Building brotherhood on men’s retreats

Meeting other men in a new way

The retreat occurred halfway into my year as a volunteer coordinator at The Barn on The Sharpham Estate in South West Devon. By that point I had experienced several “pop-up communities” during the regular mixed-gender 6-night retreats that we ran at The Barn. Always beginning with an introduction meeting, we invited people to share what brought them to the centre that week. The specifics varied from person to person, with current life events, or a need to get away from the city or a busy home life, being common themes we can all resonate with.

This time though, the added nuance of “What brought you to this men’s retreat?” provoked answers which struck a subtly different chord. While each person’s reason for being there was still unique in its circumstance, there were overlapping themes that had most men nodding around the table: schoolboy bullying; few or no positive male role models in their life; the relentless need for validation, from men or women. Difficulty forming emotional connections with other men; the need to put down masks of father, husband, son, or professional persona - even if just for a little while.

This retreat was different from the others. This all-male space was different from those I’d experienced in the “outside world”. Research suggests 40% of men have never spoken to anyone about their mental health. What I witnessed in that first meeting was a pressure valve releasing. An understanding that this was truly a place where everything, and every man, was welcome.

While such conversations held on retreat are important to build bonds, much of the rhythm of the week at The Barn is built around quiet activity. Silent periods in the morning and evening allow us to start and end the day in a way different from the environment of home.

Meditation sittings in the morning, afternoon and evening provide an opportunity of practicing coming back to the breath and body, with visiting teachers in the evenings providing fresh and interesting perspectives to practice. Such guidance gives each person the tools for their own practice, and prepares the group for the middle of the week where we enter a full day of silence. 

Subtly different from our mixed-gender retreats, I believe the common ground of male challenges and experiences allowed the men to feel more at home with themselves - and more quickly - than I had seen on other retreats.

I would name it as a “permission” that each man seemed to give himself that hadn’t been as present back home. Using mindful practice to reflect on where he found himself in his life, what had led him there, and what he might wish to change on his return. An invitation to be himself and not perform - to give himself exactly what he needed. A collective experience which I can only describe as brotherhood.

Practising responsibility and presence together

Being a Buddhist retreat, we invited consideration of The Five Precepts - ethical guidelines for how we show up in the world. In effect, recognising that the effect of what we say and do has consequences. There are many ways this can show itself on retreat.

Once a week each man cooked as part of a pair - with support from a coordinator as needed. We shared tasks around the house, including some cleaning in the morning to help keep the space pleasant for one another - just as each retreat leaves the space pleasant for the next guests. In the same way, we were taking care of the house and gardens to benefit those on future retreats, just as we had benefited from others' work and care.

With regular opportunities to check-in as a group, I also saw the result of being present with and hearing other men. I found this was a new experience for many of us present that week - more often used to environments of competition or feeling unable to speak openly. For me, and I believe others, this men’s retreat was the beginning of a deeper exploration into how relationships to other men can be more positive than I was previously led to be.